Exactly 365 days ago on April 11th, 2017, I remember walking into the Cancer Institute in Little Rock, Arkansas around 5:30am. It was so early, but I knew I’d be comatose on an O.R. table soon. Cameras were following me down the hallways since Inside Edition was covering the story. I was led into a changing room where I put on compression socks and a chic blue hat. A nurse stuck an IV in my arm and handed me Marinol to swallow, sort of like an FDA approved form of marijuana, if you will. I started feeling really good about the whole process here. I kissed my parents goodbye and was wheeled into the operating room. The last thing I remember is laughing with my breast surgeon who was wearing a Hello Kitty cap. Good times, good times.
Seven hours later, I woke up.
It’s almost impossible to describe the pain. I could show photos that would give you a better idea, but they are more than graphic. Corpse-like or losing a bear fight are accurate descriptions of what I looked like, but having my chest detach from my body is what it felt like. It’s funny to remember the feeling of getting out of that hospital bed for the first time, but it’s almost as if my mind has since gone through this weird case of amnesia. Not that I’ve gone through child birth, but I feel like women forget about the pain as time goes on. We are badasses like that, I know, but it’s as if the magic outweighs the trauma. Some people get new babies. Other people get new boobs.
Isn’t the human body the most amazing thing? A year later, I’m back doing the same workouts, just in different sports bras 🙂 I remember being so frustrated with my yoga practice towards the end of last year, but I can finally do chaturanga again among other asanas, and I’m getting more comfortable spending time on my stomach. I can’t fall asleep in this position yet, but I’m determined to go unconsciously comfortable in it one day soon.
I didn’t realize how much work chest muscles do in order to preform little tasks. Opening doors and all sorts of bottles isn’t necessarily easy anymore. Nothing pisses me off more than a child proof pill container. When I exercise or stand in a weird position, sometimes my boobs ripple, but then I remember that I have a 1% chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer in my life, and that’s pretty fucking cool. I think the two most important things to be aware of in this situation are support systems and a healthy body image/self love/acceptance. Nobody can walk through this alone, and with the help of amazing family, friends and social media strangers, I was able to bounce back quickly. I’ve also grown up with a healthy outlook on body image. My parents raised three daughters, and I never once remember a scale ever being in the house. Obsessing over numbers only drives insanity. The positive attitude I hold towards my own physical being helped me look in the mirror after the fact and continue to like what I saw. Cool scars. Battle wounds. Badges of honor. Really strange yet unique tattoos with a story 🙂
Spoiler alert – a close up of my foobs is upon you…
Now that that’s out of the way, this leads me to another important, yet awkward, realization.
Dating after a double mastectomy can be really weird. I can tell my story all day for advocacy and awareness reasons, but to tell a potential partner about what to expect is scary, no matter how confident you may be about your decision. Your partner should find you sexy because you are, not because you’re brave or because they feel an obligation to say certain words to your face. I’m low key obsessed with previvor Paige and her boyfriend Justin. It’s so important that the support and communication continue throughout a relationship, in and out of the bedroom, and on and off screen…
April seems to have morphed its way into a healing month for me. Much growth comes from pain, no matter if that pain manifests its way in the physical or emotional form.
You’re gonna be happy, said Life, but first I’ll make you strong.
Ohhhh how I love this quote. Suffering, of any kind, connects us all. It unifies humanity in a way that always gives us some kind of common ground. Every experience has the ability to shape us into powerful people if we allow it and most importantly, if we FEEL it. If we never process a change that’s trying to take place within us, we risk not being able to shift old habits and patterns. If we allow that growth and transformation to take place, beautiful things can blossom.
Going public with my preventative double mastectomy has taught me that being open and vulnerable not only aids in the healing process, but it can also save lives. I don’t mean for that to sound all Grey’s Anatomy dramatic, but I have never known the sheer power of social media and blogging until this experience. Having such a great support group is imperative in healing, and I know that sharing my story has helped other women with a similar story cope with the emotional and physical pain. To thrive. To rise. To survive. Cancer or no cancer. I believe that when we’re open, authentic, and portray the truest version of ourselves, our confidence has an opportunity to shine brighter than ever before. It’s approachable and creates a domino effect, giving other women who walk a similar path the strength they need to finish the drill. At the end of the day, we know that whatever we went through had a purpose(s). Bloom on, wild ones.
Happy bday, foobs 🙂
This post really resonated with me today. Happy foob day I know the 1 year mark feels like the battle is won! I’m going through something similar for the 2nd time. I’m a month and a half post op today and even though I’m coming back strong I just wish I was back to normal already. Thanks for this.
Your story is incredible. Reading your health blog posts prepared me in the best possible ways for my own procedures. I would read and re-read your posts. The information you so willingly provided was a godsend. Peace be with you, beautiful woman.
You’re an inspiration, Lesley… Thank you for sharing. I really admire your courage… Your openness… Your tenacity… Your spirit… Your wanderlust… Actually, I’m envious of that. 🙂
Love this and you! Thank you for sharing! I absolutely love following your story and feel so empowered with you.
And Happy Anniversary to us both! I had my PBM the same day as you 1 year ago today!
My Baby, My Hero! Strength isn’t a strong enough word to describe your last year. You amaze and push me….and I’m the MOM!❤️ Love you more❤️!
Thank you for your transparency, bravery and kind heart. 💕🙏😇
Lesley, keep up your good work, strength, courage & beauty. My wife & I are admirerers.
Best wishes,
Mark
I really love who you are and your natural charisma for life that has permeated every part of your being. Thank you so much for being so wonderful and such an inspiration in my life!
You are so beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your adventure. April showers bring May flowers 😉
Hi Lesley! Thank you for sharing! I too had surgery last year. 10 hour brain surgery to remove a non malignant brain tumour. I was 30 at the time and also took to blogging to cope. Although it has been a challenging journey, it has been life changing and magnificent and has opened my eyes to the meaning of vulnerability and human connection. I resonated with what you wrote! Even the dating. I find the honesty weeds the bad ones out early on and connects me deeply to the “potential” keepers ;). Wishing you well on your healing journey I am rooting for you all the way! ❤️💕
Thank you so much for sharing! I had my mastectomy in November after being diagnosed with breast cancer. Thank you for putting yourself out there so people like myself knew what to expect before surgery. Hope I look as good as you after a year!!
Love how open you are about it. You are one strong and brave lady. Definitely an inspiration.
Thanks for documenting every step of the way and congrats on one year! Losing a bear attack is such an accuarate description and how I described it to people too. I was diagnosed with early breast cancer (age 31 eek!) around the time of your surgery so all of your posts were incredibly helpful. I was unlucky and struggled with reoccurring infections from my left expander but can’t wait to wrap this all up hopefully soon. Thanks for being so strong and raising awareness!! So important to be an advocate for your own health. Cheers!
Your post brought tears to my eyes! You are so brave for sharing your story, photos and all. We need honesty and vulnerability in this world. Suffering can bring us closer. Your story helps me understand a close friend who has been through this. Love love love 💕💕💕
Happy bday to your foobs and can’t wait to see what you will achieve in life at their 2nd / 3rd / 4th… bdays! You’re amazing, Lesley! So are your family (no scale for ladies, yeah!)!
Congratulations on your amazing anniversary. You inspire others to be open and vulnerable about whatever adversities they may be facing. Live each day to the fullest and enjoy the growth you experience each day from what you have gone through. Much happiness to you throughout year 2!! 🌈🌈🙏🙏
You’re the cutest
Happy Day! I am a 30 yo recovering from BC right after having my third baby. Also have the BCRA 1 gene. Had my double mastectomy 5 weeks ago and just started radiation. God has healed me and blessed us both and always will! Have a wonderful day celebrating! Blessings!
Also from Arkansas! Siloam Springs! Pig sooie!!!!!
I absolutely love this. You are an amazing woman Lesley! Thank you for being a role model to me, not just as a fellow previvor but also as an overall badass, independence, free spirited, open-minded, kind, body positive babe. I truly admire you.
-Janet Lorenz
BRCA1 previvor
ICU nurse/future ARNP
Tampa, FL
Aw thank you for this kind message, Janet! Fellow previvors unite! 🙂
I admire you n love you .you are my idol Iove your positivity n your clothes I’m now trying to buy the same things like u your beautiful I’d like to be friends with you .I admire you n your beauty.i try to buy the same clothes as you .if you ever want to get rid of yours I’ll take them.