My boobs are gone. I think that comes as a shock to everyone but me. Don’t get me wrong, I was stunned the first time I saw my bare chest during a FaceTime call the day after surgery. It looked like I was in a vicious bear fight where I definitely lost. Maybe even died. My boobs aren’t even really boobs right now but more so lumpy, scary renditions of their former selves. My nipples look like they’ve been placed in either a space bag where all air has been sucked out or in a dehydrator. I really don’t know how else to describe it. I suppose I’ve also described my upper half as corpse looking, but I also believe that explanation does a disservice to my surgeons who are total rock stars through and through, so I prefer not to use that comparison as often.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I no longer have a body part that has grown with me since birth. Think about that. My boobs have literally grown with me and have seen me at my good, my bad and my ugly. We’ve quite literally had our ups and our downs as we traveled through junior high puberty, high school inferiority, college OH MY GOD WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM HELLO FRESHMEN FIFTEEN, and on to adult-life settlement. Hell, maybe it’s a good thing they’re gone! Time to start over with a clean (read: flat and scar-filled) slate. To all my 2nd base boys, it was a pleasure.
I’ve only cried a couple of times: once before surgery and once after surgery. A couple of nights before April 11th, I became sentimental. The little guys that took up residency under my nose for 29 years were leaving. I was breaking up with my breasties, and I was sad. But hey, I was never fully invested in them to be honest. Those little suckers could barely fill out my Victoria Secret 34B padded bra. I was never a boob girl. I’ve got an ass that commanded control way back when my mom had to buy me elastic waistband jeans as a kid. My B(maybe even sometimes A)-cup never stood a chance.
Post-surgery, I cried, and it hurt so badly I had to stop immediately. So much outpouring of emotion comes from your upper body, something I didn’t really think about until I couldn’t actually outpour any. Your chest heaves over and forward, almost collapsing on itself and WHOA. That doesn’t do a mastectomy body good. Looking back, it was actually a pretty comical realization. I started tearing up since I was feeling sorry for myself, something I’m sure every woman who has walked this path has experienced. That pity party ended soon after pain trumped sadness. Once the pain subsided, I was glad about the short circuit. Crying is a workout.
Now a days, my definition of exercise consists of differentiating muscles groups between upper and mid-body. To sit up, I have to mentally prepare my abs to work while telling my pectoral muscles to chill the F out, or else. I think everyone tends to flex both of those groups when getting out of bed. Well no sir, not today, not for me. If my magical mind control fails, it feels like my upper half detaches from my body and BLAH that just gives me chills thinking abou tit. Ha. Tit. I’m not even going to correct that typo. It’s just too timely.
The above photo shows a photo from The Last Workout. Ah. I miss them like I miss hiking in Patagonia, sweating my ass off in the humidity of Southeast Asia and even freezing balls in Canada during ungodly hours of the night while shooting the Northern Lights. Moving, fast-faced, go-go-go. I like that stuff. My Twitter bio used to read “Everything all the time.” I felt that it described me pretty well. I replaced it a couple of days ago with “BRCA Previvor.” I feel like that fits me better right now. A year ago, everything was different. I was rock climbing up the side of a mountain to sleep in a capsule that overlooked the Sacred Valley in Peru with a man I thought I was going to marry. If you would’ve told me then that I’d be having a prophylactic double mastectomy a year later, I would’ve laughed in your face. It’s funny to see how much can change in a few hundred days.
Above photo & feature photo by University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
I think best on planes, not here at home on my kitchen counter. My creative space is 40,000 feet off the ground and lately, inside my unconsciousness. My dreams have been wild and vivid recently. I found out yesterday that my first trip post-surgery would be to Europe. My dreams last night consisted of me frantically packing a bag and being late leaving for the airport (ok, that’s actually not far from reality). In my dream, I repacked in a carry-on because I was already under the airline time limit to check a bag. I was more stressed out than ever, wishing and hoping and thinking and praying I’d make it to the airport on time. As my taxi arrived to the terminal, I woke up. I have no idea if I made it to Europe or not in my dreams. As a psych major, I’m dying to know what this dream means about my current reality. Maybe it means I’m stressed. Perhaps I have an itch to travel. Both are probably true. The hardest part about this experience is not pain control or grieving a body part. It’s learning peace in stillness. I’ve been inside these same four walls for over a week now, a rarity for me. My new uniform consists of pajamas. My hair resembles a rat’s nest on most days because I can’t lift my arms high enough to do anything to it. My poor legs are starting to feel like a forest because I have been instructed to abstain from baths, and apart from very quick rinses since surgery day, proper showers are few and far between. Bottom line: hygiene is hard and staying in one place is a learning process.
I think back to March of 2014 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I got the call one night when I was living abroad in Argentina. It was my dad on the phone who said it first. “Your mom has breast cancer,” was what I heard and immediate fear and tears were what I felt. You never want to hear “mom” and “cancer” in the same sentence. Just three weeks later, she had her double mastectomy on March 31st, 2014. She has always shown me how to go through life with grace, making sure it was always chock full of fun and laughter. It’s no surprise, then, that she’d be my role model as I go through this journey almost three years to the day after her, hopefully exuding her same grace and positivity. She’s been my rock since Day 1, and now, many of my readers have followed in that role. I’m blown away at how open women are today when sharing their stories with me on Instagram, through email, in DMs and other platforms. It drew me to tears a few days ago as I scrolled and scrolled through the most positive, inspiring comments. After watching horrifying news clip after horrifying news clip in today’s world, this entire experience has restored my faith in how beautiful humanity really is. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Girl power to all.
Lesley,
Thank you for sharing your story. May the blessings of God be upon you now and always.
Hi Lesley,
I started following your Insta at the suggestion of my friend. I am 25 and just found out I am BRCA1 positive two months ago. My mom is BRCA1 positive as well, but luckily never had cancer because she had a preventative mastectomy at age 50 after having everything else out in her 40s. I don’t have the courage to do surgery yet but I’m really amazed and impressed by your bravery. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are an inspirational woman in so many ways!
Oh Lesley, your story saddens me. You are so brave about sharing all the good and bad news with the world. Both you and your Mom are survivors. You sound strong, hopefully you will come through this better than ever.
I feel honored to follow alongside your journey. Get well soon.
Stacey Mazurek
One of your fans from the Bachelor
My Best Wishes & Prayers to you Leslie in your recovery. You are one remarkable woman! 🙂
Always,
Forrest in SoCal
So proud of you , your courageous outlook and positive thinking ! Thank you for the article and posts . This really puts life in perspective . Good luck with everything
Beautifully written. Love you, Les! <3
You are such an inspiration – you’re someone I admire so much. Best wishes as you recover. Thank you for sharing your story.
Lesley,
What an inspiration you are to all the women who may be faced with the same decision you had to make. It’s a personal choice and some may consider it extreme. I applaud your courage and your open and honest discussion on your journey. Keep positivity in your life and you can get through anything. You are stronger than you know!
Love,
Maria
hope you are feeling better. best wishes. xx thank you so much for sharing this story.
So beautiful and refreshing to see your rawness and transparency through this season in your life. I feel like I’m apart of your journey and I look forward to every update you have. I applaud you missy. Your boldness is contagious.
God bless you
Xiomara from NJ
Amazing! You inspire me. I deal with a chronic illness and your strength and candidness, fills my soul with inspiration. Thank you. Hugs 💜
You inspire me. Thank you, Leslie. You made a difference.
Your instagram posts/stories are truly giving me life and hope for my future double radical mastectomy due to cancer at 28. BRCA2 negative but retesting and testing for BRCA1 plus so much more. I’m (selfishly) happy a few days after surgery you were up and moving around as I will be too hopefully. Thank you!
Lesley, you’re a brave woman. Just like you I went through with my double mastectomy and reconstruction at the age of 29 after losing my mom to cancer a year before and after having seen 2 of my aunts battle breast cancer twice. Unlike you though I didn’t get to have the nipple saving surgery .. and at times I regret this cause the scars are hideous (to me they are), don’t get me wrong my breasts look nice when they are covered up by a bra but that’s it. I’ve cried a lot in the past 3 years, losing the person closest to me and having to deal with this “alone” was very hard but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my mom is that I can never give up, that I have to fight. And that in the end this was the right thing for me to do, scars and all!
So, you have to stay strong but from what I’ve seen I know you’re a strong and a brave woman! Take care of yourself and get better soon!
Your story is so inspiring! I love how brave you are. I have been following you for a while and I feel like you are the one person that is actually honest and relatable, even when you are staying in the most beautiful resorts in the world! 🙂 As a health fanatic and future nurse myself, I admire your strength and dedication to make these important health decisions for yourself. You are a great role model!
You’re changing lives with your story! What an awful, amazing, insane journey. Thanks to your grace and optimism, a topic that’s long been taboo can come to light. XOXO.
Hi Lesley, I just left you an Instagram post, but I wanted to tell you that you are beautiful, inside and out. Your transparency to the world is so refreshing in this crazy world these days! Blessings and healing to you! XO
Wonderfully written. Love the Tit part.
Lesley, this was beautiful. It almost brought me to tears! You were so vulnerable and open telling your story – that takes courage. It sounds like you have inspired and brought together many people throughout your health journey and have touched women going through the same thing. You and your mom seem like two of the same: strong, courageous, inspiring women! 🙂 I’ll be praying that you continue to heal as beautifully as you are! 🙂 xo
Thank you for sharing your personal journey with us. You are beautiful inside and out.
A truly remarkable experience I must say, very few people tell their stories about what they went through before, during and after their mastectomies. You are a very courageous young lady, you done what was necessary to preserve life… You sacrificed something that you held dear for many years, and it even left you with scars!…. Now I’m no genius but scars are never a bad thing if you think about it, scars remind us that it was real, that you were there… The marks on your breasts prove that… You adapted to your situation, you engaged it, and most of all! You survived it! … And that’s what counts, preservation of life…. So big thumbs up to you Lesley and keep pushing forward, and remember! … Adapt, engage & survive in all that you do… It will make a world of difference.
Lesley, I enjoyed reading your blog and following you on IG as I too am a brca2 previvor. After 2 of my aunts went through the breast cancer journey and my mom, having Ovarian cancer a few if my family members as well as myself decided to get tested …Needless to say 5 of us were brca2 positive along with my 19 year old daughter … I had a hard time deciding how I wanted to handle the situation.. I didn’t want to be selfish and have “a boob job” as how so many people saw it, but I took it as a life saving technique to prevent myself from cancer and my children from heartaches of the bad news….I enjoy seeing and hearing and reading other people’s journeys and wish I would had documented mine as it was about a 2 and a half year ordeal from start to finish, or I hope I’m finished. Thank you for sharing
As a nurse at a cancer hospital, I can’t thank you enough for your honesty and bravery. I remember taking care of patients after their mastectomy and forcing them to look in he mirror- reminding them that they were still so beautiful and life was about so much more. I would love to talk more about your journey. Best wishes always xoxo
Lesley, you are so inspiring and I am so glad that you are sharing this journey with the world, so that this topic gets recognition! You are so brave and so strong!
Thank you!
I stumbled on your Instagram a few days ago, you are inspiring and strong, and I’m very proud of you. On December 15, I had my annual mammogram. On January 2, I was diagnosed with Stage 0 (yes, zero) breast cancer. On January 31, I had a double mastectomy, and like you, it was by choice. I had no family history, no risk factors, not BRACA genes. I wanted to be rid of this once and for all, and not have to worry again. I am 3½ months out and I’m almost back to normal! I chose to forgo reconstruction (I’m quite a bit older than you are, and don’t really need those babies anymore 😌). What has helped me recover most was stretching exercises, which I learned from my physical therapist. At 4 weeks out I started back to light arm exercises with my 2 pound weights (I’m now using my 5’s). At the beginning, like you, I couldn’t fix my hair, or even wash my face. Sitting up in bed was a challenge. I’ve written this to you so you will know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you will feel normal again, never thought that I would, but I do. Stay strong, best wishes on your journey.
You are such an inspiration, Lesley! Thank you for always being honest with where you are in life.
Your courage and inner strength are truly inspiring. Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey!
Such an inspirational story you’ve shared with the world, thank ya! Prayers to you in your recovery!
God bless ya!
All the love and positive vibes your way. Thanks for always sharing the best parts of yourself. ❤
You are such an inspiration to so many women. You are beautiful inside and out. I have followed your journey since The Bachelor. Your unselfish demeanor will keep you strong and help so many other women in your same situation. Your bravery is beyond measure. Thank you for your raw and true self. Stay strong sweet girl, you will conquer anything in your path.
Lesley, you are so incredibly admirable. You’ve been nothing but positive and brave through all of what you’ve been through and I imagine you’ve given such a burst of courage to any woman who has read this knowing they are in the same boat as you. Good for you (incredible of you) for sharing your story and doing it in such an empowering, honest way. I thought you were fantastic when I first came across you watching the Bachelor, and then I stumbled across your blog years later… and how amazing that you’re thinking ahead to your next trip, aside from the stressful dreams! As someone who struggles to be positive and look to the bright side in my daily life, you give me so much inspiration and a good wake-up call that life is what you choose to make of it. Thank you for being you, and sharing it with all of us.
Hi Lesley, I’m 35 and recently had my thyroid removed due to a cancer diagnosis. I hope that I handled that experience with even half the courage, grace and humor you’ve shown through this process. Thank you for sharing your story, you truly are inspiring (you’re also an excellent writer, hoping there’s a travel book in your future).
i went through this same experience 6 months ago, but have never found the words to describe the experience. Thank you for helping me finally do that and for creating a supportive community of previvors 😘
Lesley, you’re a badass chick. You inspire me every. 👏🏼 single. 👏🏼 day. 👏🏼 I hope you recover quickly and get back on the move! I know you will. You’re beautiful, you’re perfect, and you’re incredibly strong. You got this girl! 💪🏼💁🏼💗 Sending positive vibes your way. ✨
I have been a fan since you were on the Bachelor. Absolutely love your travel blog and Instagram photos. You are talented in so many ways. You truly are an inspiration to women of all ages. You handle life with strength, grace, and humor. Your mother is also an inspiration. Good luck with your recovery and I look forward to following your travels post-surgery.
Beautifully written Lelsey. You are a rockstar for putting yourself out there during this difficult time and sharing so much with your followers. I’m sure you’ve helped many women who have gone through something similar just by sharing your story. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 25. I’m sorry you had to experience your Mom having cancer and going through this but looks like you are already coming out the other side stronger and better for it! X
Lesley, I’m sorry for your loss , a part of your body. Indeed you are beautiful inside and out. I want you to feel that way. Be strong and courageous to face the reality of life. Like your mom, you’ll make it through. Thanks! for sharing your personal, learning and educational journey in life with us. GOD BLESS and get well soon.
You’re candour and honesty will help many women who have or who may go through what you are currently experiencing, that I am sure of.
I admire your ability to be open and raw about your feelings and many others will as well. You are blessed to have family and friends who love and support you and there is no doubt that this is just the beginning of your testimony.
You are beautiful, strong, uplifting and inspiring please never ever change.
Sending love and light wherever you may be and prayers that God bless and keep you as you continue this journey.
Being a long time Bachelor fan and following your fun adventures on insta, it was amazing to connect on a different level with all the stupid cancer stuff. I found out just 1 month ago I too am BRCA2 positive. Lots of cancer on both sides of the family & sadly we had to lose my aunt to find out about the stupid gene. Its not common BUT along with Breast and Ovarian Syndrome we’re at higher risk in my family for Pancreatic Cancer as well. My grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, my aunt passed too young from Pancreatic Cancer (how we found the gene) and my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2015 had a double mastectomy & nasty chemo to then also be diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in 2016 totally unrelated to the Breast Cancer, just really bad genetics :/ However, today she is doing amazing and cancer free after 2 tough battles! All because she was proactive and knowledge is power! Still in the early stages of my own BRCA journey, however, I know that I want to be a previvor! Thank you for sharing your story, expanding awareness, & spreading the word for others to gain the same knowledge. You’re in my thoughts and prayers through your recovery!
Brittany
ps. true life my moms boobs are way better than mine now!
I am going today for my appointment with a surgeon. I wish I could be as positive as you are. I have done nothing but be angry, cry and eat Xanax to survive. I will do what ever I can to keep my boobs. I have cancer. I could never party or joke about this.
Lesley, I truly appreciate that you have shared your journey. I am BRCA1 positive and lost my mom to breast cancer 20 years ago. I had a hysterectomy 4 weeks ago and my prophylactic double mastectomy is on Monday, April 9. Reading about your journey has helped ease my mind and has helped me make decisions regarding reconstruction. Thank you so much.
I’m so glad you found it helpful. That’s the goal! Much love and light to you on April 9th. You got this!