If you’re all “Help! I suck at dating” like some people I know, consider these practices an aid if you’re going through some hard times. And even if you don’t suck at dating, you can apply these practices to other life events. Many of you sent in message after message about going through similar pain and asking for tips on how to heal a broken heart and move on. Here’s what I’ve been up to the past couple of weeks…
(Sidenote: this photo was too good/dramatic NOT to put here. Break up talk in the rain with an umbrella ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Perfect placement if I do say so myself. Gotta love Costa Rica in rainy season.)
Nature
I’ve been very drawn to nature recently. I don’t want to be inside a gym to work out. I don’t want to watch any sort of TV (except for binging Queer Eye because it’s THAT good and makes me laugh and happy cry all at the same time). I crave being by a body of water or amongst trees for a run. It’s no secret that nature is cheaper than therapy 🙂 When I had my surgery last year, one of the first trips I took was a solo trip to Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada. WHOA. Talking about healing powers. I came back healed and happy as a clam. (Are clams even happy though? Profound thoughts of the day…)
Gym
Run. Run. And run some more. I’m not saying run away from your problems at all, but get the endorphins going as they act as a natural “drug” that make people more energetic, more awake and, yes, happier 🙂 If you’re in the mood to hit something, may I suggest Title Boxing? Love that place. I was talking with a good friend last week who gave me some advice. She told me when she was going through a break up, she allowed herself to only think about her ex while on the treadmill. Don’t give him any more brain power than that.
Music
The lovely late poet John O’Donohue once said that music is what language would love to be if it could. It moves people in a way that simple words cannot. It can transport the listener and take them to another place entirely. It can bring out the greatest joy as well as the deepest sorrow, but the healing force is undeniable…whether it be fierce girl power by Beyoncé or melancholic music from Ruth B.
After loads of requests, I’ve complied some powerful songs that pack a punch to get you through hard times. It goes through the anatomy of a break up, and I call it Catching Flights Not Feelings.
Yoga
It’s been hard to be present recently. Some days I felt like I was just going through the motions and not fully aware of what was going on around me. This is something I’ve always struggled with, though, since I’m always writing about the past and planning for future travels. It’s hard to be truly mindful of where I currently am sometimes. Because of that, I’ve been able to find new meaning in yoga. I’ve been practicing for 8 years now, but it hasn’t been until the past few years that I looked at it as something more than just a workout. More on that later, but if you’re a beginner and want to get into yoga, I’d suggest finding a local studio and going to a Beginner’s class. If you aren’t near a studio, try out YogaGlo.com. I used this platform all the time while living in Argentina and fell in love 🙂 One of my favorite teachers is Katheryn Budig, but I’d suggest trying out many different instructors to see who you like.
Road trips
I went to Dallas the day of the break up. I cried. I yelled. I sang at the top of my lungs for 4 1/2 hours. It was all very therapeutic.
Friends and wine
Keep them. Love them. Cherish them. They are both good food/drink for the soul.
Dogs
They will always be excited to see you when you walk in the door. Affectionate, loving and comforting 27/4 and what’s better than that? Short answer: nothing.
Baths
Lots of them. With wine. Bubbles. Pizza. Anything can compliment a bath if you let it.
No alarm clocks
Self love is important, and proper self love is good sleep. I remember turning all of my alarms off last year while I recovered from surgery, and I did the same thing for a few days this April as well.
Writing
Oooh so therapeutic. Even if you aren’t a writer, try it. It might surprise you. If there are still loose ends you want to tie up, write him/her a letter. I was able to speak my mind and say every little last thing which was so cathartic, but I know that not everyone gets that opportunity.
Reading
Anything. Trashy romance novels. Self help books. Gossip mags. Cookbooks. Whatever floats your boat. I just started The Love Gap by Jenna Birch who was kind enough to send me a copy. She talks about millennial themes in dating and why smart women are still single…WHY JENNA? So.many.questions.
Travel
Ohhh Mexico. It sounds so simple I just got to go… James Taylor knew exactly what he was talking about with these lyrics. Visit Mexico sent me to Mazatlán for some beach time and travel conference time, but yeah, mostly beach time. Somethin’ bout the ocean ya know? Check out Skyscanner‘s ‘Everywhere’ option when typing inside the TO box. It’ll show you the cheapest tickets from your airport to anywhere in the world for whatever dates you put in.
Listen
Podcasts. Like blogs, they’ve been around for a while but they’ve recently really caught on. Lots of people have them, so it’s just about listening to finding out what sings to you.
Recommendations:
This American Life: Break-Up – Someone on Twitter suggested this episode to me, so I listened to it while on a long walk. The beginning part about Phil Collins and writing the perfect break-up song was pretty entertaining.
On Being with Krista Tippett: The Inner Landscape of Beauty with John O’Donohue – This may be my favorite episode of a podcast I’ve ever listened to. It’s pretty intense and gets super deep, so stay with it. Lots of goldmines in the last half of it!
10% Happier with Dan Harris – This is actually my favorite book, but Dan has created a podcast with the same overarching theme of the book. He talks with various people to see if there’s anything beyond that 10%.
Watch
QUEER EYE. Low key obsessed and you should probably be too. Seeing these 5 men in their element and bridging the gap in a very divided America is e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. It’s on Netflix if you haven’t yet feasted your eyes. Do it.
Unfollow
Social media is a blessing and a curse. Some days it reinstalls my faith in humanity and how beautiful it is. Some days it’s a total drag from Trolly McTollersons. Haters gunna hate. Playas gunna play. F*boys gunna f.
Like Beyoncé once said – he’s probably the best thing you never had. Onwards and upwards, y’all.
Your turn – any advice on break up activities?
watch the movie definitely maybe. It gives you so much hope that life is a journey and you go through everything you do to lead you to where you’re supposed to be and who you’re supposed to be with. Enjoy the journey and keep looking/moving forwards (: also watch a lot of Ellen because when does she not make you happy?
My daughter went through a very tough break up and writing got her through it. Not only did she write out a letter to him, she then got an Instagram account (wordsbyklh) where she expressed herself as she went through the emotions from the breakup. So therapeutic for her. She also listened to music and had her playlist, so I’m glad you mentioned those 2 things as they got my daughter through some very tough times.
She also made sure she kept busy as much as possible and avoided , for the longest time, any place they had been.
I hope you are doing better. I can’t imagine going through this publicly and having things said to you about it. Thanks for always sharing your story.
You are such a talented, gifted writer. It’s my therapy as well. I’ve been married almost 24 years, but I was the last of my friends to get hitched (at the age of 27.) While I can’t relate to dating in 2018, I will share with you that my family experienced heartbreak and tragedy last year. It was a terrible time. But, it was temporary, as difficult seasons always are. With faith, a fierce network of friends, and much prayer we survived–thrived actually. You will too. But you already know that.
Much love. Keep inspiring!
Lesley, I suggest staying really busy. My tennis partner went through a terrible breakup where her husband ran off to China and stole a bunch of money from her – think child’s college tuition – and more. She kept herself busy with tennis games and tournaments for 6 months. She told me it was the way she could cope, by having to focus on the game. It became her safe place.
5 months into the worst break up of my life. Some days I feel whole again and better off and other days I feel as raw as the day he left. Taking every ounce of your advice! But I don’t have a bathtub … does a baby pool count??? Lol
I can relate to this entire article. Some advice I always give my friends post break-up. Remember: in these painful dark times you will discover your self on a deeper level and grow to be a stronger, more resilient person. Cherish the alone time, and keep discovering the world, and all about how amazing of a person you are. I shared this with a friend I just gave advice to yesterday. Thank you, Lesley!
Hey Lesley!
It’s been a year post break up for me in a culture where everyone around me is hitched and having babies. Ha! I just wanted to say that all of these things you’ve mentioned are fantastic and almost daily occurrences for me:) love this blog! I don’t usually write on these things but I felt compelled because I feel strongly about women (and men) focusing on individuality and the “it’s okay to be single.” A mindset tough to keep in this culture sometimes..
I love the “change up your scene”. I totally agree. Travel. Drive. Fly. Go. Do that thing you couldn’t do that your last relationship may have held you back from. I became a travel nurse and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
Focus on other non-romantic-relationships. Be a better friend, daughter, sister, etc. send snail mail. Take time to visit and soak them in.
Watch “how to be single”. It’s just good humor for the soul.
You’re right, Podcasts are so great. Binge guiltlessly. If you are interested in cult history “Dear Franklin Jones” is a fantastic short series. Sucked me in. Also a lot of the “strangers” podcasts are gold (just avoid the political ones) lol.
Journal. Things will get better.
Learn how to cook. Find a hobby. Take a class. You’re more open to making new friends as a single person. You never know who you will meet or open up your world to!
And lastly, take time to enjoy your alone time because someone may sweep you off your feet tomorrow and your life will change drastically forevermore.
😉
Good luck on your journeys!
Sports! Anything competitive. Take all the frustrations out. As princess diaries quotes “take it out on the ball, not his head!” You’ll be hitting homeruns for days!! Good luck Lesley, you deserve the best!
You’re my favorite, you deserve the world. In addition, you deserve a mountain mover that will go the distance to see you smile everyday. I hope that person comes around sooner than later, but at least your great at being that person for yourself in the meantime.
Love watching your adventures unfold!
-All the love,
Brittanie
Mortified because my phone autocorrected you’re to your.
When my boyfriend and I broke up I took my dog on a hike every single day. Sooo therapeutic! I’d meet my friends for drinks and dinner. I really put myself out there at work and took on extra projects and got some overtime in. I did see a therapist for awhile too. It just helped to talk and let it all out. The best thing I suggest to do is do not text or talk to your ex at all post breakup. I feel like that makes it the easiest way to move on. I love you Lesley! You are such a wonderful woman! ❤️
Take time to buy yourself one nice treat, a massage, a dinner or show he wouldn’t like, a new bracelet, a new dress for your new fabulous self. It doesn’t have to be much and I’m not saying going on an addictive shopping spree. Just knowing you take care of you is a huge help. Also, get out in sunlight after the sad songs.
Thanks for putting your heart out there and sharing what would normally be a quiet and private heart break. Know that you are worthy of GREAT love. As a woman who just turned 30 last year, I’ve known severe heart break. I think you’ve got the right attitude in your travel therapy. Your perfect man is out there working on himself ❤️
Much love!
After my last ‘break-up’ a friend recommended that I watch Under the Tuscan Sun. Wow, was it great. I highly recommend watching it but there really is nothing better than nature and sunshine! 🌞🌿
I love you Lesley! I watched you on bachelor winter games and admired your strength. It can be hard to date in 2018 especially when you never put a label to it. ( how can you break up if you never dated in the first place) but it still feels like a breakup so I have been learning how to process that. I appreciate your advice and openness and can’t wait to read more from you in the future!
The best way to get over a breakup is to not bring up their name or insinuate how fill in the blank has hurt you. The best way to get over a breakup is to truly not mention that person again- unless of course asked. You will feel free, this loser isn’t in your life anymore. You are one step closer to finding your forever with someone who will treat you right. Stay connected to family and friends – they draw you out of these funks- and allow yourself to grieve. Just don’t give him an ounce of your time, he’s out. You’re in. No matter how much he consumes your mind don’t give him any more power. Over & Out.
When I went through a super depressing break up a few years ago, I binge-watched Game of Thrones and that actually really helped lift me out of my fog! I had never seen it before then. Shameless is another binge-worthy show, it’ll make you laugh and cry (if you haven’t seen it yet). Peaky Blinders is really good too (Cillian Murphy’s baby blue eyes–swoon!). Oh, and the movie version of “Gone Girl” actually makes me happy to be single, ha. But yes, keeping busy with friends, traveling, working out, and focusing on you is the best medicine for healing. The greatest relationship you’re ever going to have is with yourself so treat yourself well!!!! 🙂
Relationships are really tough…focus on the strong ones you do have with your family and friends. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t treat you or respect you as much as your family/friends do? They aren’t worth your time! I know it’s hard getting over a broken heart though but you’ll forget about all this in 6 months when you’re rocking around another amazing cultural discovery. Wishing you well!! xxx
P.S. I was feeling down about being single recently and then I googled “do men enjoy being single” and I came across this: https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/why-don%E2%80%99t-men-hate-being-single-as-much-as-women-do/
Kind of interesting and eye opening to hear about being single from a guy’s perspective. I feel that there is SO much written about women loathing being single, why not for men too! So reading stuff directly from a male’s perspective has been interesting, though there’s not too much of it.
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the best way to forget someone is to control your mind and keep yourself busy in different kind of activities don’t allow him or her who left you in between to come back because this is the sign once they broke your hearth they can do breakup again on any silly reasons…
I have been a fan of yours since you graced Bachelor Nation and an even bigger fan as I live vicariously through you on your fun travels! I can TOTALLY agree that feelings are hard some days especially when you have mustered up all the courage to cope and they still creep into your psyche. My now ex-bf of almost 7 years broke it off in January because he “is pretty sure he doesn’t want to get married or have kids” which comes after we looked NUMEROUS times at rings and got back together with the understanding that we were it for each other. Do you have any specific advice for me as it was more or less a shock and I am still trying to process what happened nearly 6 months later…?!! I know he is telling me what I don’t want to hear but it’s probably for the best if our desires don’t align however, my trust is shaken for the future and I am struggling HARD. To complicate things, he has been sending me picture texts of silly things he finds (something he saw he or I think is funny) so I am not sure the intent with the casualness of the communication given the little closure I have.
I guess what is the most saddening is that the relationship was so “good” (no abuse, trust, or excessive fighting) which makes him/us much more difficult to forget. Some days are good and others hurt like H*** but each day, I try to get up, show up, and remain thankful for something.